Dialogue with a Believer

In an Apple TV+ series called “Lessons in Chemistry,” starring Brie Larson and based on the book of the same name, a poignant episode features the relationship between a young pastor and an accomplished chemist via their written correspondence over several years. I loved the thoughtful and respectful dialogue between a man of faith and a man of science as each approached the conversation in the spirit of seeking understanding and common ground vs. trying to persuade or belittle.

I recently had a dialogue with a similar tone via email with one of my favorite cousins. After hearing about my religious deconstruction and my decision to step back from full participation in the LDS Church, she expressed her unconditional love for me and shared some of her sacred personal experiences. She then wrote:

It can be disconcerting following fallible people, but that is not what I am doing. I am following Jesus Christ. I am trying to love my neighbor. I am attempting to extend grace to everyone, including to the leadership and membership of the church. When I look at the doctrine taught, instead of the imperfect way in which it is implemented and lived, I am filled with light and joy. There is no other doctrine that accounts for every man, woman, and child to have ever lived or who will ever live upon the face of the earth. There is no other way for God to be just. And being a miraculous, all powerful entity, of course he has the capacity to save every single soul ever born. The only other alternative is that there is no God. I can totally understand if that’s where you are at. I can’t help but wish that you had had experiences and miracles powerful enough to outweigh your doubts, or that if you did have them, that you could remember them now. My skepticism is continually swallowed by miracles. Because of the miracles I have seen, I know there is a God. In my darkest moments, I have felt an overwhelming feeling of love wash over me. I have felt Jesus heal me as I have repented of my sins. I know the Book of Mormon is true, so no matter what imperfections the Prophet Joseph had, I know the restored gospel is true.

Part of my response:

For me, developing and maintaining strong relationships and living a good life are much more important than literal belief in scripture stories or adherence to specific dogma / participation in religious rituals. I like this quote, often attributed to Marcus Aurelius:

“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”

The legacy of our ancestors lives on in us and I honor their courage and fortitude and the good lives they lived. I certainly hope there is life after death since I’d love to see and interact with my sweet parents again, along with our wonderful grandparents and other ancestors. But THIS life is the only one I know for sure that we have, so I want to live it fully and joyfully. I want to watch the sunrise or sunset with awe, enjoy the fresh air and beautiful views on hikes and feel the sun or rain on my face. I want to explore new places, meet new people and experience different cultures. Life is a gift and I’m supremely grateful for it. And the meaning and purpose of life is what I make it.

I haven’t come to this place lightly. While I have chosen not to share my specific concerns with you, I believe they are valid and not just the “flaws of men.” I sought long and hard to find answers as I very much wanted to overcome my skeptical nature and just believe, but eventually the severe cognitive dissonance created by my multiple unresolved concerns became too great and “just have faith and don’t worry about it” no longer worked for me.

I recognize that there are many valid reasons for people to stay in the church. I understand that since I’ve been on the believing side for most of my life. It’s hard for a believer to understand how a person could not believe since they haven’t walked in their shoes. We all have unique personality traits and life experiences that shape who we are and how we see the world. And it’s okay that people are different from one another.

Part of her response:

It’s good to hear your perspective. I can totally see myself feeling the same way without the experiences I’ve had. So let me see if I can articulate it, and then you correct my misunderstandings, okay? You’ve had a lot of concerns about different aspects of the church and haven’t been able to find answers through years of study and prayer. This has lead you to the conclusion that there may or may not be a God. But whether there is or isn’t, the most important thing is to be good to others and live a life of intent, growth, and wonder. If there is a God, then your life will speak for itself. If there isn’t, you still made the most of your time here, and your legacy of goodness will live on.  

I’m assuming that included in the idea of God, you would hold out the possibility of the atonement of Jesus Christ. And if He is there and real, He and His Father will be happy with the good life you’ve lived and not require ordinances or specific religious affiliations or practices. But either way, you’re not too worried about it because, ultimately, this time from birth to death is precious and fleeting and you want to make the most of it.

I want you to know that I am grateful to know you better and more realistically. It feels good to know how you actually think and feel instead of just the assumptions I’ve had that your testimony and mine were the same. What a weird assumption to make!  It’s good to know people as they are instead of just having imaginary friends.

Part of my response:

Thank you for being willing to think deeply about the things I shared. Your summary was beautifully written and a good encapsulation of my current thinking. Thank you for seeking to understand me versus wanting to argue or persuade. It means a lot.

During my religious deconstruction journey, I have considered Pascal’s wager, which you may be familiar with. It is a philosophical argument advanced by Blaise Pascal, a 17-century French mathematician, philosopher, physicist, and theologian. He asserted that “a rational person should adopt a lifestyle consistent with the existence of God and actively strive to believe in God. The reasoning behind this stance lies in the potential outcomes: if God does not exist, the individual incurs only finite losses, potentially sacrificing certain pleasures and luxuries. However, if God does indeed exist, they stand to gain or lose immeasurably, as represented by an eternal bliss in heaven or eternal punishment in hell.

While I can understand the logic of this idea, it also begs the question, “Which God?” Is it Allah who is worshiped by 1.8 billion Muslims? Or the Trinitarian God worshiped by 1.3 billion Catholics? Pascal’s wager falls apart somewhat when you think that the odds are decent that one’s particular version of God could very well be the wrong one!

Also, Pascal’s assertion that we should do everything we can to believe in God requires the skeptic to attempt to force belief or feign it, which just doesn’t work for me. I simply want to live with integrity and authenticity. I would never say I know there’s no God because to me it’s unknowable. For most people, knowledge of God’s existence is based on good feelings, but that form of knowledge leaves me unconvinced. I admit that it seems somewhat ludicrous to think that the universe, the world, all the animals and humanity etc. all came about by some kind of cosmic accident vs. by divine design. However, if I were to ask: “Who created the universe?” And someone answered: “It was God!” My next question would be: “Who or what created God?” We then end up at the same place: the great unknown. I’m getting more and more comfortable with uncertainty these days.

Assuming God exists, it’s hard for me to think he has a certain chosen tribe among his creations that have more truth and access to his love, power and redemptive ordinances / covenants. As you know, the world is filled with many good people who have never even heard of Mormonism. Since only a tiny fraction of people on earth are active church members, it feels strange to me that God would be so technical about the absolute necessity of people receiving ordinances in order to return to his presence, since 99.9% of the human family would never receive those ordinances in this life. I think a loving God would be much less concerned about our belief in certain dogma or our participation in specific rituals, and much more interested in our living good lives.

As I mentioned before, I still have a strong moral compass and am committed to continue loving and serving others. However, since a testimony of the church’s veracity is a key component to being an active, temple-recommend holding member, I have chosen to reduce my participation in weekly meetings, to not hold a calling or attend the temple. I desire to be part of the community, but since I’m no longer a full believer, that has become more difficult for me. Exercising faith is hard for my skeptical / rational mind as it requires me to accept things without evidence and ignore (or twist myself in knots to justify) information that doesn’t support the faithful perspective. I’m at peace with my conclusions and my decision to step back for now.

I know it may feel threatening when someone you love — who had identified as a life-long believer — now sees things differently, but I appreciate how you’ve approached this with kindness and love, epitomized by the humble teacher from Galilee.